Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
–by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
— Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
–Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W. C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
–Tee Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
— Michelle Mastrolacasa
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
–Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
–Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
— Brian O’Rourke
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
–David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
— Kaiser Wilhelm
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
beer.
–Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
— Homer Simpson
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
— Dean Martin
* Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser.
* To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support group.
Q. “What’s new, Normie?”
A. “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach and they’re demanding beer.”
IF WOMEN DRINK:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the bum.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks – no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine – (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Bacardi Breezer
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is…and you’re in.
Drink : Baileys
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
IF MEN DRINK: As always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He’s old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Wine : He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would have sex with a
warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and
wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn’t give two brass farthings about anything
and
will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all
about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel
himself into getting laid.
Tequila : P*** off you w***ers, I’m gonna go s**g something
with a pulse.
Bacardi Breezer : He’s gay (Blatantly).
Which are You????
“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.” — George Burns
Subject: Alcohol Warning Labels
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named “Big Al.”
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
Beer Problem Determination Guide
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly
that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered in to the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Beer Anecdotes
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” – or what we know today as the “honeymoon”.
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn’t grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase “rule of thumb”.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It’s clear from the Mayflower’s log that the crew didn’t want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers “were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer”.
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term “berserk” means “bare shirt” in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term “grog” soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were “groggy”, a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. when they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle”, is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In the middle ages, “nunchion” was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words “noon scheken”, or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
Drink and never forget
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
–His reply, Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Sir, you’re drunk! Yes, Madam, and you’re ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
–If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs.
–David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
–Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
–David Moulton
People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson
Love Castle lager 
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